Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
