I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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