If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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