I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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