So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i drank out of a bidet.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize