I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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