One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
