my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize