My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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