On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
