what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
