I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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