It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
