Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize