i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize