She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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