thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
