apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
