my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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