Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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