Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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