I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They took my balls.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
