I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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