I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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