do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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