WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
