Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
