We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
