I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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