I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
