i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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