I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
