last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I will be naked everywhere
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
