my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
honey bunches of taint.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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