we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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