you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
