Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
