grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
