I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
