i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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