who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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