isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
