My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
