its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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