he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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