Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
