Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
