i can't believe i had my finger in that
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
