so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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