I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
