Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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