next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
