I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
