Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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