The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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