i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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