No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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