I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the day after is always just damage control
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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