Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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