i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
