Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
