i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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