i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
