Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Randomize
