God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize