Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
